Chris Nieratko interview
- Detaljer
- Oprettet: søndag, 1. juni 2014 23:07
- Skrevet af Kim M
Nieratko interviewer skatere for Vans, ESPN, og Vice. Manden er pro og jeg er totalt en fan. Det er journalister, der interviewer journalister og vaginaer fra andre verdener.
You are doing well with the journalist engagements. How has it been transitioning to this kind of writing?
There really isn’t much of a learning curve or transition from one type of writing or line of questioning to another. Every client asks for something different and my job is to give the client what they want. After Big Brother ended, I learned very quickly that no other magazine wanted that kind of fun, humorous writing by the deafening silence of my phone not ringing with work.
Skate magazines and news sites are ultimately run by the advertisers and the advertisers want to have their riders presented in the most sterile, flattering light possible so if I wanted to eat I had to change what type of services I offered.
Granted I’d much rather do silly, comedic interviews and writing but sadly I only have a few clients that want that from me. The truth is most sites don’t even want me to write anymore; they want me in front of the camera doing web videos. I assumed the reason was because I am an Adonis, a sculpted male of pure beauty without equal but I was told, “No one reads anymore. The internet generation only wants videos.”
I will say I quite enjoy working for ESPN. Most skate sites just repost press releases whereas I get the chance to report on the news as quick as it happens, which should be the point of a news source. That’s why everyone loves Jenkem so much. They’re not just tweeting 144 characters of bullshit. They’re investigating the skate topics we want to learn more about.
I remember one where you threw in Ron Deily on a list of top athletes, or whatever it was.
At the end of the day, I like comedy. I prefer to make jokes. So the highlight of my time at ESPN has been railroading my friends from New Jersey onto the site and also the time I got to mention Tony Hawk’s cousin, Mike Hawk, on the site without anyone catching on.
Can we expect another book on Vice?
Another book, yes. From Vice? No. Just as skate mags have lost that comedic edge so has Vice. They once wanted to be Big Brother. Now they want to be Time Magazine. Me personally, I don’t give two fucks about politics or world affairs. If one country in the Middle East wants to blow up some other country in the Middle East I say let them. As long as the price of gasoline doesn’t spike too much.
You mentioned doing one on parenting, how is that going?
It’s going quite well. Writing itself actually. Last week my 3-year-old shit in my hand in my mother-in-law’s kitchen. I’ve been thinking I’ll wait until they can read and write so they can help me write the book.
You have been to Copenhagen before.
I was such a mess on that trip and during those years. I really don’t remember much. I do know that I invented time travel on that tour. I flew from LA to Denmark with a layover in Paris in five minutes thanks to snorting three t-bars of Xanax. I feel bad for my fellow travelers who had to carry my Weekend At Bernies carcass on and off the planes. (FYI this was pre-911. It would never work nowadays.)
Getting beat up in Christiania must have been a low point of your tour.
For the record I don’t know if I got too beat up in Christiania. Only semi-beat up. And that fight was justified since the person tried to steal my jacket with my camera and passport in it.
Did you really smoke all that crack?
I never smoked much crack. Pills were more my thing. And if you wanted to rephrase your question, yes, I took all those pills! There are no pills left in America because of me.
Fair enough. The prescription pills are almost as confusing to a European. What is wrong with just smoking too much weed?
For starters weed makes you stupid, pills make you brave. Which would you rather be? I’m kidding. All drugs are stupid. Except alcohol. Jesus turned water into wine which means God believes alcohol is more important for us than water.
Truth is I never took a pill in my life before I started working at Big Brother. Three months into the job we were working on the Philly issue and I got hit by a car crossing South Street in Philadelphia with Kerry Getz. I got seriously fucked up. The ball joint in my shoulder got pulverized and my shoulder would fall out of place with any movement.
I picked a random doctor from our company HMO insurance book and little did I know he was the doctor that was supplying most of Hollywood with pills. He got the entire cast of Friends hooked. He thought I was there for pills so he wrote me a prescription for 100 1000mg Vicodins with three refills with a note that said, “Take as needed.”
Within days I was taking ten pills a day and within weeks I was doing more than 30 a day and was turned into a junkie for the next four years. I was such a bloated, constipated fat mess that I couldn’t skate let alone barely move. I surely would’ve died had I not met my wife who helped ween me off drugs with the use of her otherworldly vagina.
That was in 2000 to 2004, pills weren’t a big thing back then. I had to search high and low to find a street supplier when my doctor failed to meet all my demands. But now, ten years later, it truly is an epidemic in the United States. It’s very sad and scary.
I have a member of my family who is a 40-year-old pill junkie who totaled more than eight cars and will eventually kill himself. It’s a real shame. I’m very thankful that I got that out of my system in my twenties and that I met my wife when I did.
How has Euro-tolerance in skateboarding developed?
Is there Euro tolerance in skateboarding? I don’t think so. Just because a racist keeps quiet doesn’t make him any less of a racist, right? I’m pretty sure American skaters still hate Euro skaters, they’re just saying it less. We hold secret all-American skate sessions in basements and that’s when we spew our anti-Euro hate speech.
I’m kidding. We don’t hate Euros. We never have. WE HATE CANADIANS! And if you Euros will help us in our attempt to systematically eradicate those pesky Canadians in their oversized t-shirts and backwards baseball hats then we will love Europe even more than we already do.
I will say in all seriousness that I do hate European basketball players in the NBA. Yes, they are fundamentally sound but goddamn they are the most boring and bland thing to watch. Just like European skaters. OOPS! Did I say that? I meant Canadian.
You also run a series of retail stores. How is that going? I remember reading that you had to close a location.
I currently have two NJ Skateshops with my childhood friend who I grew up skating with, Steve Lenardo. We had four stores a few years ago but tough economic times in the U.S. mixed with the growth of mail order websites and Hurricane Sandy destroying much of New Jersey forced us to close two stores. No big deal. The two remaining shops are doing just fine.
Are you gripping boards or are you more of a darkman these days?
My day to day is writing from 6am to about 6pm while also watching my two sons. I go into the shop throughout the week and on Saturdays. And yes, I’ll grip your board. If you’re a new skater. And only once. I’ll walk and talk you through it so you know how to grip your own board and then I’ll never do it for you again.
If you love your skateboard, much like a woman, you shouldn’t want another man putting his filthy hands all over it. Gripping a board is very special and personal thing and should be treated as such. If you’re just stoned and/or feeling lazy and you want me to grip your board you’re shit of luck. Looks like you ain’t skating if you ain’t gripping it yourself.
What will happen to Fred Gall if Habitat goes under?
I’ve always said Freddy is like a cockroach. He will outlive us all and survive any apocalyptic blast.
Do you think they have a chance of coming back after a hiatus or are they done for good?
I have faith in all those guys to right the ship. Habitat is Joe Castrucci’s baby and I know Joe from my brief stint living in Ohio in the 90s to be a very dedicated and hard-working guy. He will not let his baby die by anyone’s hand but his own. Habitat and Alien will rise again.
NJ could start a skate team; the world needs more new board companies.
Please fucking god, no! We don’t need anymore board companies.
Chris’ skriverier
Vans
http://offthewall.tv/show/adventures-with-chris/
Vice
http://www.vice.com/en_dk/article/gsearch?q=nieratko
ESPN
http://search.espn.go.com/nieratko/
Arkiver